The truth of one sided love – a letter from a girl in love
A couple of months ago, I didn’t think I would ever love again. My partner of eight years left me. We were planning our wedding and he just left me. But then, the impossible happened: I fell in love again. I fell in love with you. I listened to my heart. Was I too hasty? I love you, I want to love you but you wouldn’t let me and that hurts. What hurts the most is that you’re not wiling to give me a chance. And everybody should be given a chance.
My thoughts revolve around you and I trying to figure you out. I’m searching for an answer but I don’t understand you, I don’t know what changed your mind so suddenly. I remember when we first met, when we first talked and when I first felt like you’re truly a great person.
You helped me move house, you supported me in every way possible, you encouraged me to get my driving license and told me I could always count on Uber if I failed… You made me laugh. At that point, I hadn’t realized we were going to be more than just friends.
Following my return to London, everything changed. You felt different. I could see you changed, you looked at me differently. You wanted me and you made it pretty clear that night. You made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time but I don’t regret refusing you then. It probably would have been a one-night stand. But I couldn’t keep refusing you and I finally gave in. And it was one of my best decisions… or was it? I’m not so sure any more.
Soon after that, you surprised me with a trip to my home, to Hungary. I was hesitant to accept – no one has ever done something like that for me. I’m quite independent, I had never accepted such an expensive gift. But I did accept it and I’ll always be thankful for that trip. You made me so happy… up until my return. I understood why you wanted to me to go: you needed distance. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me but you needed time to figure out how to tell me the truth. You should have known I saw it all in your eyes.
And I saw something had changed. Then I saw it was you that changed. I trusted you, I believed every word you said, I believed it was all real when in fact, it was all a lie. You used me, you took advantage of me and it was just a game for you. You knew my feelings were real. The night I thought my life would change forever you told me to ask you three questions. “Who knows about me?”, I asked. You said a lot of people did: your business partner, your friends, your family. Then I asked what I meant to you. You said you loved me – and that meant the world to me. I said it back. You held me in your arms and said you’d do anything not to lose me.
It was all perfect and I was drunk on love. Then I was heartbroken. I thought you did love me and you were happy with me. I’m not angry, what I feel is worse than anger. I feel disappointed, sad, ashamed, cheated… I feel like I’m dead inside. I’m trying to understand why you did what you did, I keep telling myself to let you go… You don’t understand what it’s like to be in war with yourself or when you go over every little detail thinking about things you should have done differently. You don’t doubt yourself every single day.
I really don’t think I can take it any longer. My strength is leaving me, I’m constantly in pain for I think about you every minute, every hour of every day. I see that you’re in pain, too. I can see it in your eyes. You’re trying to tell me truth but you can’t. You’re afraid. You got scared. You’re afraid you might fall in love. You’re trying to be stronger than your feelings. It’s easier to say that you’re not ready to commit. But you know as much as I do that I’d make you happy and I know you deserve to be happy. You need to believe that, I can’t make you believe. And I’m too tired to try to convince you, to fight for you. I know what you went through but you can’t be there for everybody all the time. You deserve to be happy.
It seems like you’re ready to give up but you’re not only hurting yourself, you’re hurting me too. It pains me to see that you’re unwilling to give yourself a chance, to give us a chance. I know who you are. I can see it in your eyes. I see the man you’ve become, I see that little boy who still lives inside you, I see you don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to get hurt either. Believe me, I’ve had my fair share of disappointments and it was awful every time. You told me never to give up – now, I’m telling you the same.
If you give up now, you’ll never know if we would have worked. We don’t know what the future holds, you’re right about that. What I do know is that I love you now but I honestly don’t know how much longer I’ll have the strength to fight for you. And if I move on and you realize how stupid you were, it might be too late for us...
Share this article.