Intimacy does not begin in the bedroom
We all want to be in a relationship, we all want the benefits of a relationship and we want it as soon as possible. It seems like we want everything right away. To top it all off, we start playing games the moment we meet somebody in order to win – as if it was some kind of battle field.
As we begin the getting-to-know-each-other phase, we instantly start communicating that we need to be on top, we need to feel superior in order to feel secure. It’s all just a game, right? We keep trying to outdo our partners disregarding the fact that we’re becoming more and more lonely as we fight against each other.
We expect our partner to quickly develop real feelings for us for we desire deep connections and real values – but these are gifts of an intimate relationship, and building it takes time. A secure little game might save us from heartbreak but it is impossible to get closer to someone like this as our energy is consumed by the battle we’re fighting. And let’s be honest: fighting a battle is exhausting and demanding and is nothing but honest and caring. Still, we keep thinking about our defense strategies and winning as we try to protect our emotional safety.
And our defense strategy will prove to be strong enough to protect us but it will also leave us impossible to reach. Truly, nothing and nobody will be able to touch us. But is that what you want? Do you want to be stuck in your hiding place so that nobody could hurt you? Because if nobody can get close enough to hurt you, nobody can get close enough to love you either. Often times we are so quick to take off our clothes and be naked in front of another person but we are so scared of stripping down emotionally. If you get close to somebody, they might hurt you and you might experience trauma or a huge change.
Yes, you might. But is it okay to be constantly hiding? It might be. I know that there is a reason for your hiding. Maybe you were too quick to trust somebody once, or you got hurt, or life was really tough on you. I get it. Defense seems like a sensible reaction. But we’ve all been there: we’ve all got our hearts broken. But a new relationship is a new opportunity to break that spell and be free to love. Yes, there is a slight chance you’ll open up to the wrong person but fear will keep you captive and you will never find what you’re looking for. We all long to be close to another but having meaningless sex will not help you with that in the long run.
Real intimacy requires you to take a risk. Real intimacy is about being brave enough to open up to another person and it’s about acceptance. Only those can experience it who have learnt to accept their own flaws – they know how to turn to another person with empathy. They are emotionally mature people who know that acting like a child will not get you intimacy. Instead of being demanding, you must selflessly give yourself.
Intimacy can only take place when you are willing to tear down your walls brick by brick and are ready to give up your defense. When you are ready to be you. When you understand that becoming one with another does not mean you stop being you and stop being free. It takes place when you understand that it is only by the leaving of your comfort zone that you are truly free and that the two of you are stronger together. Real intimacy is when you don’t need to wear a mask anymore, when the both of you can be free together. It’s finding a person who loves all of you and accepts you as you are. But if you are forever scared of taking off you mask, you’ll never find a person who loves you without it. You might need to grow weary of empty games and insignificant relationships in order to step out of your comfort zone and have a desire for real intimacy that is stronger than your fears.
Letting love take over will not make you weak; on the contrary, it will only make you stronger. It tears down all the walls, it bridges all the gaps leading to a new sense of togetherness.
You must be wise enough to see if somebody does not appreciate your openness or the real you, it’s not a disaster. It’s not because you’re not enough. Letting love take over will not make you weak; on the contrary, it will only make you stronger. It tears down all the walls, it bridges all the gaps leading to a new sense of togetherness. You need to be strong and you need to be honest. What you don’t need is playing games, coming up with strategies because that’s not who you are. You need to show who you really are. You need to own your feelings and your weaknesses and you need to encourage your partner to do the same. Wait patiently and let him come closer to you. This is what helps another person to trust in love again. You cannot get seriously injured wearing your armor but no one will be able to touch you. You can’t have real intimacy unless you take that mask off. You’ll keep breaking your heart and missing the real thing you desire so badly. You can stay in your hiding place forever but the world has so much more to offer than what you see from that small window of yours.
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