It’s over

I wanted to leave, I swear. I tried to go but my feet didn’t move. I just sat there and I couldn’t move. I was staring out the window and I couldn’t see my path.

Any time I was left alone with my thoughts I always concluded I must end it. I must end this game of waiting for you to come home and stay here. I always thought that if I tried a little harder, you’d stay.

If I told you about the months I spent without you, you wouldn’t believe me. I know what it feels like to pretend everything is okay when I cry myself to sleep every single night. I know how to act like I have it all figured out even when, deep down, I tremble with fear. And I know what it’s like to hide your true feelings because nobody would understand what you’re going through. How could they?

I also know what it feels like to stand by and watch others get what you want so bad. I was alone when all I needed was you. There were things I wanted to share with you, only you, but you were not there. I don’t blame you. Not anymore.

I know you were trying to get away from everything and everyone. You were trying to escape from feelings, commitment, trust, disappointment and, inevitably, happiness. You left me with nothing but memories and I learnt to re-live every moment we spent together. I imagined what it would feel like to get lost in your embrace and kiss you again. Every night, I thought about you. And the emptiness I felt inside made me tear up each night. I was not angry at you but I was hurting.

I was hurting because I knew you were out there feeling lost. I knew you didn’t leave because happiness was waiting for somewhere else – I would have been happy for you. I knew you were just as lonely as I was but you were far away from me. I knew no words could describe what you were going through; I was going through the same. You knew you’d be lonely but you chose to go. You chose to run your head against a brick wall. That’s you. You’ve always been like this and I loved you for it.

But two people’s strong bond just wasn’t strong enough.

Sometimes all you’re left with is silence. Words get empty, you know. I thought if I saw you once more, I’d tell you a million things and I’d demand answers. But now, I feel like looking at you in complete silence. All my words are gone for I know that now, as I run out of words and all I have left is love, it is really over.

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