To find the right person, you need to become the right person
Empty people attract empty people. They themselves in the empty eyes of the other, they try to make something out of an empty relationship as if there was something to take. They smile, pose for the pictures, their bodies touch as they stand next to each other trying to look all cool but their smile is not real.
Some people are lonely even when they’re with someone and posting that perfect picture won’t change the facts. Like everybody else, empty people long to be happy but what they don’t know is that faking it won’t help. “Predators” love empty women, they love an easy prey – they are easy to catch and they don’t usually fight back.
I was once prey to a predator-man. I was looking at myself from a distance wondering why I stayed, why I let him take all my hope, my self-esteem, my dignity and my pride. I’m not an empty person so he got bored of me after a while. I got tougher, I locked myself up and he couldn’t hold me captive any more. He lost his power over me so he moved on. That is the tragedy of predator-people. Not that they mind it too much, they go on hunting for lost souls.
You, however, give me life. You fill my veins with blood, you make me shine and I love you for it. I found my inner peace – the peace I was so foolishly trying to chase, I searched for it high and low hoping something would fill that void inside of me. I was marveling at the lights dancing on the wall as my head rested on your chest. I heard your voice as if it was coming from a distance, as if it was my mother, my father, my brother and everyone who has ever loved me talking to me. I still remember exactly what you said then; you said “If you can’t find peace within, there’s no use chasing it elsewhere”. I finally understood that in order to find the right person, I, myself, must become that person. I must become that positive, strong, mature, self-confident, attractive, sexy and loyal person I’m so desperately looking for. I must become lovable. I’m trying to hold on to that list I created, trying to tick off each item, throwing away anyone who does not check all the boxes… but do I tick all the boxes? Am I the person I expect my partner to be?
I was caught in toxic and destructive relationship until I found my peace, my mental health. I used to attract empty men or the predators trying to kill me off and it took some time to get strong enough to refuse being under their spell. I was over them by the time I found you. I was ready for something new, I had made myself lovable and beautiful, I didn’t need anybody to do it for me. I did it all by myself. My time alone made me wiser; I know people better, I know myself better now. And I’ve learned to love myself.
I used to look for people who had what I was looking for; who were mentally healthy, who had found peace. Empty people chase after that perfect relationship but they are not ready for it yet. They are only trying to heal themselves and find their long lost self-esteem. But a relationship is not some kind of a therapy; it’s not a how-to-build-your-self-esteem type of course, it cannot and will not cure you of your loneliness.
I was the best version of myself by your side. I will say I did that for you, if you want me to. You didn’t hurt me when you left, I didn’t sit there crying, trying to mend my wounds. You didn’t steal those lights I saw dancing on the wall. My life was not over. It wasn’t like I needed to get rid of the memory of you, I didn’t lose purpose, I was not in pain.
You didn’t wound me. It was more like getting a final hug I will remember forever. And I will cherish your memory forever for you made me mature and I could finally love myself.
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